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| The famous "jump for joy" |
Our country’s political history is like a mash up of Game of
Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Breaking Bad and Beverly Hills 90210. There’s a lot
of strange creatures speaking languages that always sound like they are selling
the souls of everyone they talk with to Satan. There’s lots of bloody murder, guddam
massacres and f*ckin’ assassinations that I am pretty sure the collective blood
of all those dead people could most likely bring the Read Sea back to its
former volume.
There’s a lot of thievery and trickery with so many willing
victims it would put the 3 Stoogies to shame. Most of all, there’s a lot of
prostitution, naked men and women that f*ck unprotected and usually from behind…
with no proper foreplay. Forget about being kissed before getting f*ck.
We were beaten down to slavery by the Spaniards who took the
liberty of bringing us closer to our pagan past by romanticising the image of
priests who were,
But of all the shit that we were forced to it, nothingcompares to the exotic delicacy that Ferdinand Marcos shoved own our throat.
Nothing like being f*cked by your own countryman. He was the state leader for
25 years and screw us all every damn day of those 25 years.
He was to be toppled by a woman, Corazon Aquino, widow of
Marcos’ nemesis Benigno Aquino. Not surprising, considering, she had the best
training, she was a full time mother and housewife. You don’t f*ckin get any job
harder than that, guddamit. Aquino, the woman, was to survive 9 coup de etat
attempts to topple her presidency. Operative word, attempts.
She won every single one of those coups and had some more
strength left to deal with a daughter who had the habit of getting into
relationships with married men.
However, many attest that she wouldn’t have made it without the
help of one man, Fidel Ramos. After all, she has never had military experience
and if you are to defend a country against a group of PMA graduates, you need
more than just military experience, you need military badassery.
Ramos was the man
Fidel Ramos was a West Point graduate and is credited as one
of the best military tacticians of all time. He does not talk a lot about his
experience in West Point because any legit West Point graduate knows fully well
that it is catastrophically stupid to give away the program that allows an organization
to hone the bet military personnel.
He is Marcos’ first cousin. Ramos became the Chief-of-Staff
of the Armed forces of the Philippines under the Marcos administration. Things
started changing for these two childhood playmates when the then National
Defense Secretary, Juan Ponce Enrile, decided to launch a coup against Marcos.
You see, Enrile is not a brilliant of a planner as Ramos or
Marcos but he ain’t stupid either. When a bomb in … somewhere in Manila, blew
off, Enrile knew it was meant for him. Thanks to his stupid driver, he arrived
at the venue late and was saved. The thing about Marcos is that the minute he
decides to kill you, you’re already dead.
Enrile knew that the only way for him to be saved from being
murdered like an anorexic pig and be served as dinner to some single cell life
forms living seven levels below the hell of Mordor is by killing Marcos first.
He just didn’t know how to do it.
The Start of EDSA Revolution
Enrile then decided that if he was gonna get f*cked, he
might as well get kissed first. So, he launched a Coup. As brilliant as he was
and as badass as his disposition was, his disposition won’t save his ass from
being torn to pieces by hungry soldiers. He needed someone that would know what
to do. That man is Marcos but that’s also the man he was trying to beat. The
other one is Benigno Aquino but he died 3 years prior.
He called Ramos on the phone, landline. Mobile phones were
not big at that time. Ramos reportedly
said “I am with you” but refused to talk more as he knew their phones were
tapped.
He went to meet with Enrile in Camp Aguinaldo and immediately
went into badass gear. He planned their defense. He asked Enrile to move to the
camp across the street, Camp Crame, because it was smaller and easier to
defend. There was still, however, one problem. Even if he manages to call on to
half the army to defend them, Marcos is more ruthless and wouldn’t think twice
about launching grenades at them like their asses are the launching ground for
New Year’s Eve fireworks. Marcos also had control of mother effin’ military
tanks and really, the mere thought of a tank rolling over your body is enough
to make you shit in your boxers seven ways to Sunday.
Ramos knew he needed more support and there’s no better
barricade than f*uckin’ people. Yup! People as in human being who breath and
are someone child, mother, father or partner. Those are the best kin of
barricade. So, it was decided. He will use people to block f*ckin’ tanks! Do you
hear me?
There’s a slight problem. He doesn’t know where to get
enough LIVING bodies to block EDSA. Then he remembered, people are kinda pissed
about Ninoy getting assassinated and Corazon Aquino getting cheated off the
elections.
He called Tita Cory and asked her to appeal to the public
and help them block tanks that are on their way to squash them like a cockroaches
high on marijuana so that instead of them, it’s the people that will get
squashed first and they’ll have time to run away. Of course, he didn’t say it
that way. He said something like, “it’s time to end the rotten leadership that
has taken away the freedom of our people! It you Cory! You are meant to be the
President!” or something to that effect.
People started coming and it was enough for Marcos to glance
towards their direction and watch the comedy unfold in front of him. As a
precaution, he prohibited all TV and radio stations to cover the event.
Ramos, however, knew that it wasn’t enough. He needs EDSA
filled. He then called the archbishop of Manila, Cardinal Sin. The Philippines
is a predominantly Catholic country and at the time, the Cardinal was still an
influential figure.
Ramos called Cardinal Sin and said, “We need to do this for the
country, for Ninoy, for the Filipinos!” or something shit like that.
Regardless, Cardinal Sin agreed, went on the lone radio station airing at that
time and said, “Catholics! Represent!”
And represent they did.
Marcos already knew what was happening. True to his reputation,
he was preparing to finish everyone off in Camp Crame until Favian Ver, the one
acting as the chief-of-staff following Ramos’ defection, told him hundreds of
people were already in EDSA and their tanks couldn’t move.
Marcos brushed it aside, stating Manila is not the whole
Philippines. Ramos was already prepared for this and told Marcos that his most
trusted uniformed and civilian men already withdrew their support. Most of all,
the U.S. has expressed their support to Corazon Aquino.
That was pure bullshit. Tt the time he said, U.S. was yet to
release any statement but it did rattle Marcos and when news broke out that
many withdrew their support from Marcos, they followed suit.
The darn strategy worked.
When tanks started arriving with an order to bulldoze the
holy sh*t out of anyone who gets in the way, soldiers already started hearing
about the support the Corazon Aquino’s camp was getting.
People asked the soldiers to get their asses off the tanks
and put down their weapons. It was a heartwarming site and a proof of Ramos’
tactical brilliance. The U.S. followed suit and sent air support. No less than
a pilot with a really impressive Texan accent took Marcos physically out of Malacanang
Palace. Corazon Aquino was sworn in as the 11th president of the
republic.
But wait, there’s more.
Any government that was instated through revolution
experiences counter revolutions and Corazon Aquino’s administration was not an
exception. I mean, you don’t expect to kick someone’s nuts and not have him
kick back right?
She had nine coup de etat total and won them all. Many
credit this to his Chief-of-staff and later on Defense Secretary, Ramos. This is
the guy that kicked the 25-year president of this country. You don’t bullsh*t a
bullsh*tter, you know.
In one attempt, he realized that people were actually going
to EDSA again, trying to cook him in the same oil in which he fried Marcos. Uh
uh. Not gonna happen. He blocked all entrances to EDSA. So people couldn’t get
to EDSA. Hence, no revolution, f*ckers!
He eventually ran for the Presidency and won. Under his
reign, the country experienced some economic and political stability. He also
proved detractors wrong when he pulled off the greatest surprise in his career,
he actually stepped down from the presidency after his term. Everyone thought
he was going to do what his cousin did, put the country under a dictatorship.
It didn’t mean he was to rest and retire though.
There are talks, although unconfirmed, that he actually did
a repeat performance of what he did in EDSA. You know, encore.
His successor, Joseph Estrada, was impeached for graft and
corruption. A whistle blower testified that Estrada took money from illegal
gambling and opened bank account under a different name. During the senate
hearing the bank was ordered to provide documentations on the alleged bank
accounts. It was in a sealed envelope.
The defence argued that the envelope should not be opened because
it will release a deadly gas that will put the whole of Manila to sleep or
whatever shit they said. It was decided that the senate would put it in a vote.
They prosecution needed 12 votes to open the d*mn envelope. Political analysts
and journalists agreed the prosecution would have it.
Surprisingly, the defence won. The envelope was not to be
opened but something miraculous happened. People swarmed EDSA again, furious at
the “blatant” political manoeuvring. Guess who brought them there?
Gandhi. You sh*thead, Ramos, of course.
At the exact time when the announcement was made that the
envelope was not to be opened, Ramos, who just arrived from some country, ran
from the airport all the way to EDSA bringing with him thousands of people who
texted thousands of other people who texted thousands of other people.
For five days, people converted the highway to a party place
and on the fifth day, Estrada was out.
Many believed that Ramos spoke to some senators to vote “nay”
knowing that if the envelope gets opened, it will be nothing but paper trail
and lead to nothing again. However, not opening the envelope would anger the
people and push them to the streets.
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