Jose "Pepe" Rizal: The Pinoy with Gigantic B@lls

The only photo of Jose Rizal that shows him smiling

It’s gonna sound crazy but Jose Rizal is underrated. He has become a nuisance whose novels subject many students to failure and many sleepless nights. It’s not fair because Rizal is beyond badass. The fuckin’ guy got some balls.

Jose Rizal’s got a huge pair. Gigantic in fact. It’s so big, he has enough for the entire fuckin’ country.

Rizal’s balls have the same size as fuckin’ Mars that got pumped with salt and water that it got packed with so much fat that it would take a lifetime of surgery to get it all out. His balls is so fuckin’ big that he decided to publicly denounce Catholicism, almost singlehandedly challenged the country that was conquering the Philippines with nothing but an effin’ pen and paper and put in sexual undertones in the two novels that managed to find its way to the High School curriculum… and this was the 1800s, women had to wear seven layers of garments believing it would make them pure.

The (Arguable) Inventor of Champorado  and King of Come Back

Many great (and horrible) things happen when people are hungry. To people like Eminem, hunger made him become an angry rapper who sings about murdering his wife and mother. To Pepe, it made him a chef. His mother was a strict one and made it a point to raise her children to become  independent. So when Pepe told his mother he is hungry but is sick of plain rice, she told him to eat the damn rice or shove it down his ass.

Pepe thought it would really be inconvenient to sit around with loads of rice in his ass and he wasn’t really feelin’ the same old rice he has been eating since he was old enough to take solid foods. So he decided to pimp the damn rice. He saw some chocolate powder and he really like chocolates so he mixed it with the boring rice. He ended up with champorado.

And we’ve been eating the darn thing since.

His childhood brilliance didn’t end there. He was also the master of come backs. When his mother told her to never participate in adult discussion because he was still a kid, he asked his parents not to participate in kid discussion too because they’re adults.

His parents whooped his ass so bad he couldn’t sit for days. Don’t matter though, he got his one-liner down. He couldn’t sit so he made and flew kites the whole fuckin’ day.

In the meantime, a stage play was being shown somewhere in Manila. It was great that the audience demanded to see the playwright. He was busy flying kites (because his ass was still swollen from his mother's whoopin') and was kickin’ and screamin’ when he was pulled to take a bow. Nobody could believe that a seven-year-old wrote the play. Pepe couldn’t fuckin’ believe someone would interrupt his kite flying session.

His ass was already swollen and he had to take a bow?! When can he ever get a break?!

“I Turn My Back To Your God”

Sketches of Jose Rizal now on display in the National Library

Right around the time when teenagers generally couldn’t think of anything else but breasts and how to get their hands on a pair, Pepe was wondering why the fuck these Spaniards are fucking with Filipinos so bad, some of them are having another dick attached just as so they could fuck us twice.

Spaniards were so bent on shitting on our faces that they instituted mandatory confession on all Catholics so they could get information on any plans for revolution.

He also noticed that increasing number Filipinas who were getting pregnant 3 months after confession. Is there a di!ck inside those confession halls? What the hell.

He simply didn’t get it. So, while other kids his age were asking for girl’s names and addresses, he was asking questions about the country’s independence and how fucked up we were and why on earth Filipinos didn’t seem to notice it.

He was still in college then and was studying in the University of Sto. Tomas, the only pontifical university in Asia. So he went up to the priests and started asking why they couldn’t keep their d$#ks inside their robes and their fists away from the faces of the Filipinos. It’s the least they can do as supposed pillars of Christinity, right?

The priests whooped his ass and told him he was going to hell. Ass whoopin wasn’t anything new to him. His mother did it a lot but these are priests who couldn’t even come up with a decent lie to cover up their mistakes. He was so pissed that he told his University, publicly, that if that is the kind of God they were serving, then he is turning his back on that God.

The declaration was a first in the country and was most likely the first in the world because Catholics were sort of murdering people who refused to convert into the religion or denounce the religion.

And so the Catholic church announced that he cannot enter heaven.

“F$%k your heaven!” He said.

The Cunning Expat

Pepe headed to Europe because, well, because he wanted to study in Europe. By this time, he already made a deal with his only brother that only one of them was gonna get married so that they can devote much energy to helping the country wiggle free from the Spaniards.  

The problem was that money was getting tight back home because the Spaniards learned that Pepe shipped to Europe to study so the bastards decided to get the land and other properties of his family. He wanted to go back home but his brother told him it’s better if he continue studying in Europe and continue what they have started.

Left with no choice, he thought of ways on how to make money. He knew he had to use his skill and he was a damn good writer. So he wrote love effin’ letters for pay. The letters were so good, men started have  field day. When most of the women who received the love letters he wrote started going out with the guys who paid Rizal to do it, he started getting more clients. There was a problem though. The information leaked and soon enough, women started going for him rather than the guys who paid him to write the letters.

The women wanted him so he indulged.

Rizal's self portrait at age 26

He got his ass beaten up again several times but the damn self-declared dwarf (he was actually average for a Filipino) could kick some serious ass with Eskrima. So he dared to fight those who threatened to kick his ass. Yeah, the damn guy uses eskrima like Yoda uses his light effin’ saber. The sticks gave him the same confidence that the light saber gave Luke Skywalker whenever he needed to massacre a whole bunch of aliens with awesome as f$%k superpowers.

He was pretty insecure about his height but when he learned eskrima, it was like finding the effin’ original katana of Kenshin Himura before he turned his back on being an assassin, gaddamit. He became invincible and realized that just because he was small, doesn’t mean he can’t do great things. And great things he did.

When he was invited to a New Year’s party and was asked to bring wine, he bitched about how bad alcohol is for the body and asked everyone to pay for the drinks he bought. While the whole room was shocked that he would eat the food they brought and still collect cash from anyone from the drinks which was supposed to be his contribution.

The Greatest Trick Rizal Ever Pulled…

As entertaining as it is to realize that our National Hero is just like the rest of us, imperfect in almost every irritating way, he was great at one thing – story telling.

He wrote two (known) novels, Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. Both are considered the standard torture machine used on every High School student. No one ever graduates without, at the very least, paying someone to do their chapter by chapter summary of the damn book. Every one in the country who ever gets into college knows the name Jose Rizal and the two novels.

What is tragic is that many don’t really get to appreciate how badass the novel is. First, you have to remember that these two novels, which were butchered to death by the financier because of lack of funds, were the reasons thousands of Filipinos suddenly realize their potential to become the modern superheroes of the country. The novels were like the Grayskull that granted power to whoever read it. Two novels… two novels that summarized 300 hundreds of oppression under the Spaniards.

The even more brilliant thing is how the managed to get Filipinos at that time who were all happy and giddy at the sight of a Spaniard to revolt and get angry like Hulk induced with 900,000 gallons of caffeine. He did it by fu$%ing the minds of everyone who reads it. For one, he brilliantly created a weak Filipina character (Maria Clara) as the leading lady of the male protagonist (Ibarra). For the longest time, people believed that Maria Clara was the ideal Filipina in Rizal’s eyes, only for it to be revealed later on that Maria Clara may be the Filipina in Rizal’s but certainly not the ideal one.

In fact, Maria Clara is everything that’s wrong with Filipinas – can’t stand up for what they want and what they believe in, ashamed of her family history and equates virginity with purity. Rizal fucked her up real bad in the novel and sadistic Spaniards enjoyed it. But Filipinos who had some sense started realizing that Rizal was chronicling how Spaniards are head stomping us to the depths of Mordor.

Almost all character in the novel worked that way. They appear to be ideal representation of Flipinos but were in fact the biggest insults people have thrown at the whole social system.

He also managed to put in some really funny sexual undertones in there like the “five holes” that would have sunk the boats that 5 women were riding in during Maria Clara’s and Ibarra’s date with chaperone.

The Fulfillment of His Prophesy

He told his siblings that someday, people will build monuments for him. His siblings laughed at him but who is laughing now, bitches?

He had a string of predictions that came true and that included his own death.

He dreamt about being exiled to a far away place and then being later on arrested only to be executed. He documented the whole dream and when the Spaniards told him he was going to be shot to death, he nodded his head and said, “Of f&$kin’ course.”

I don’t know about you but if someone tells me I’m going to die in several hours, I would most likely die of heart attack first or dive in the sea of insanity and go totally Rambo on every single creature is see walking around. It’s hard enough to know you are going to die, imagine knowing exactly how you will die, where and when and not have the power to do anything about it.

Rizal, however, was totally calm. He walked from his cell to his death like he’s walking into a damn spa. His heartbeat didn’t change, didn’t shiver, and didn’t twitch a muscle. He also made it clear that he is not retracting any of the things he said including his turning his back on the god of the Catholics who gang raped the country sideways and his belief that Filipinos should now get off their butt and fight for what they think is right.

Now, monuments of him are scattered not just in the Philippines but all over the world, there’s several in Europe and in the U.S. and he didn’t need a f$%kin’ crazy dance steps to get ‘em. He just needed two novels that moved an entire country out of their cowards shells.

Anyone who can stare death, an entire country and Catholicism in the face and give it a finger is badass in my books. If every guy has balls the same size as his, oh what a better country we would be.

Happy birthday Pepe. Hope you’re having a party wherever you are.

And Happy new year to all the readers of this blog.